(one of the;)Worst day of my life

I don't even know who's reading this blog now. And, I'm not sure if you know about my past. All I know...I have no one to share this with...

Anyway... Went net-surfing and reminded of this very important website. It was once blocked or removed (I don't know what exactly) but, it was once again accessible. I managed to read up everything in that site for the whole of last night till this morning.

I think it shouldn't be a problem to discuss about it here since it was so long ago, but my ex, whom I really ever considered to be my 1st and only(so far) love is now... not available.

hmmm...

It's actually a good thing. She found herself a good partner, a soulmate. From what I depict, he's just what she once needed and still needs! He could just be the one she's after all these while. I'm really happy for her. Sincerely.

*It's ok to be honest here in my own blog right? I really wanted to share, but I can't get myself to talk to anyone about it.."

It's myself who I have problem with. I can't seem to get it over. I bet you don't know, this is the reason why I refrained myself from getting into any relationship before her. I wanted to be available for her (IF IF IF she ever need). I had many infatuations and crushes during this periods, but I thought it wasn't right and have never taken further step... Afterall, I have this kinda responsibility ...er...or like, had this feeling that 'that' wasn't over yet... *even my password is still her name...*

Maybe it's just one-sided... ... Melvin, the melvin you didn't know.

Well, many times I wanted to dig out the courage and tell her straight, but it's this ego within me that pulled me back. Things were there, clean and simple then... but, I had to make it sophisticated. Damn it.

Well, the "test" failed. 'Mary' didn't help either. I dare say, this is the worst period of my life.

1) SPLD is not what it was used to be, thanks to certain people whom I still despise, which in turn affected my interest and commitment in my ever favourite lion dance DRASTICALLY.

2) BMT was screwed up by some Irresponsible leaders I had, despite my utmost sincere performance. It affected my self-esteem real greatly. The day I shrinked to a hedgehog (from a man). I know I shouldn't blame them, but it wasn't my fault at all! *haiz...it's over already, why bring it up again~*

3) Met the worse friend you can ever befriend (yes, I was forced to mingle and accomodate to him; it's worse than mission impossible)

and...

4) The last thing which I always believe in, failed me miserably. Miserably.

What can I conclude? Taught myself a good lesson, had a hard fall which made me realised the importance of life.

'One life, you live it the way you want it to be, not through beliefs.'

Sigh. Guess it's high time I grow up and learn to handle this harsh truth smashed right into my face unmercifully all at once.

Back to her.

If you're wondering why I finally let it all out, and all in this manner...the reason is because I keep these secrets way too long already; Friends had found me changed and weird...I'll say it's this matter that had kept me going strange. So I believe you guys, who're concerned about me should know? Secondly, she'll never find this out. She don't even know this weblog's existence!

I'm still struggling whether to write her a letter (maybe during her birthday, which is a good excuse to give her something w/o her bf being suspicious) to tell her how happy I am for her and wish her all the best. I'm really envious of her now. She, at all cost, deserves this happiness, every single part of it. Really glad for her! Afterall, it was her naivety and smiles which made me fell for her then! =)

If I can, I will, against all odd, really want to tell her sincerely...

"Thank you"

Finally, in this post...the secrets have unfolded.